THE REVOLUTION AGAINST THE AGILE MIND VIRUS
Go ask anyone who participates in AGILE1.0 bullshit. None of them will be able to remember the ORIGINAL AGILE MANIFESTO. We have strayed so far from the truth and IT IS TIME FOR A GOD DAMNed REVOLUTION.
It was supposed to be about DELIVERING VALUE but turned into a spirit-breaking hellscape of ceremonies, refinements, and process bullshit that actually PREVENTS WORK FROM GETTING DONE.
We've created AGILE9000 to fix this broken system and let developers actually SHIP FUCKING CODE instead of sitting in meetings all day.
While others are debating story points, you'll actually be shipping features that users give a shit about. Your productivity will fucking skyrocket when you stop wasting time in pointless ceremonies.
When you're the only team shipping every day while others are still refinining their backlogs, executives WILL notice. Nothing impresses C-suite like actually getting shit done while others talk about it.
Your peers are stuck in meeting hell while you're deploying features. That promotion? It's yours. That raise? In the bag. That competing team? Irrelevant. AGILE9000 practitioners rise to the top.
No more sitting through 2-hour planning sessions where nothing gets planned. No more story point debates. No more "let's discuss this more next week" bullshit. Just pure, productive coding time.
Some tech practitioners have been so brainwashed by corporate Agile that they actually PANIC without ceremonies. For these poor broken souls, we created AGILE9001: THE RITUAL EDITION.
We know that the purity of our original approach will be defiled by the rancid thoughts of the MBA-holding dinosaur people lingering in your organization.
AGILE9001 includes just enough structure to distract them and prevent weaker minds from crying, while still focusing on the only thing that matters: GETTING SHIT DONE.